The Relationship Between Love & Coaching

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courtesy of www.Pixabay.com – Post by Ragini Michaels

It may seem strange to think about ‘love’ having a place in coaching. Yet, in my world, it is the fundamental ground for all success. Why would that be?

Well, I guess we first have to create a working definition for this very powerful word that brings up all kinds of responses and reactions.

So here’s how I’m going to define it for the purpose of finding its place in coaching. (And all other areas concerned with lessening the suffering and confusion we human beings can’t seem to get away from.)

Love: the release of all personal & professional judgement about who is in front of you, the way they are perceiving their reality, and how they are navigating their lives.

butterflies-843298_1920Sound simple? Well, most folks in the people helping professions would say this is a ‘no-brainer’.

Yet, we all find out, sooner or later, that it’s not so easy to actually do.

Here’s where awareness, presence, consciousness, and the power of mindfulness enter the scene.

These capacities offer a bit of distance from what is in front of your eyes and ears and emotions. They allow you to take that needed ‘step back’ from your reactions and assessments (including your beautiful psychological, emotional, and energetic training).

That tiny step away from the situation frees you to find a new ground that allows you to take a new kind of action. That is action based on clarity about the client’s view of reality (both problem & solution).

One of the most helpful models for accomplishing this seemingly easy but actually very challenging task is NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming). NLP is well known for its trail of almost magical, fast change techniques.

BUT … I found its most amazing contribution to be the fundamental skill set for communication with the unconscious mind, which is the key for developing an uncanny level of trust, and the uncanny results that come with it.

Communication With The Unconscious Mind Is The Key

This NLP skill set offers the precise tools for demonstrating what I call Love In Action – a deep respect for and acceptance of the client’s personal and very unique sense of reality.

communication-1015376_1920Respect and acceptance is what happens when you can suspend your judgments and assessments about what’s wrong and what needs to be fixed or corrected.

It’s easy to pay lip service to the fundamental coaching perspective: Your client is perfect as they are.

However, it requires skill to demonstrate this in your actual words and behavior.

Why is this important? So the client’s unconscious mind finds you worthy of its trust.

And the unconscious mind has to trust you in order to grant permission for the requested change to actually emerge.

I am a faithful proponent of including NLP into every coach’s repertoire. This model gave me the gift of running my private practice for over 4 decades by referrals only. I think that speaks for its efficacy and effectiveness.

The Problem With Judgment – Even When You Believe It’s Accurate

When judgement happens outside of your awareness, (even if it’s an accurate assessment), the judgment (whether positive or negative) still shows in your non-verbal and often verbal behaviors, like tonality, tempo, inflection, and volume. This can even impact how you unconsciously structure your sentences.

My point is thatoffer-442904_1920 if you’re unaware of your own judgments about what you’re perceiving in the other (even if you’re seeing a perfect match to your psychological training for dysfunction), you limit your ability to demonstrate Love In Action.

There is little that can replace the power of communicating respect and true acceptance of the other’s perception of reality. As human beings, we almost all feel more than a little starved for recognition, acceptance, and approval.

So even though you have judgments about the way the other is perceiving things, the skill set I’m advocating allows you to consciously and purposefully move beyond them.

This frees you to demonstrate respect and acceptance in both your language and non-verbal communications. You will have developed a discerning eye for the innate challenges of the human condition, and how to perceive beyond their intrinsic limitations.

The Most Healing & Life Changing Gift You Can Give Another

I would go so far as to assert that demonstrating Love In Action as I’ve defined it here is the most healing and life changing gift you can give another.

It is a rare ability to truly communicate acceptance and respect for another’s perception of reality.

The idea is easy. The actualization of the idea into your behavior requires time and energy to develop.

hands-718562_1920But you do have this capacity. And I encourage anyone working with people in any context to take the time to at least explore this powerful skill set offered via NLP.

In so doing, you will amplify the power you bring to the communication table – both conscious and unconscious – whether for professional or personal outcomes.

Where You Can Learn This Skill

You will want this skill set in your communication tool bag. To learn more about how to get it, please go to www.InspiredNLP.com. Take a moment and check out the details for my NLP Coach Certification training granted to me through the original certifying body, The Society Of NLP.

I was honored to study NLP back in the late 1970’s with co-founders Richard Bandler & Grinder, and later on with Robert Dilts and Leslie Cameron Bandler.

Because of that, I can promise a bit of the original purity that always accompanies a great model before it becomes popular and mainstream, and some of what made it so great fades into the background.

Much love to you,

Ragini

*all images courtesy of www.Pixabay.com
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Draining Beliefs Of Their Truthful Feeling

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Beliefs are the glue that hold a personal reality in place. And when that reality gets stretched to its limits, the beliefs either break down, making space for something new, or settle into the shape of a conviction that cannot be moved or shaken.

Clients come in all shapes and sizes as do their beliefs.  In addition, the way they relate to their beliefs is also quite varied. Here are a few tips for identifying where your client is in this vast spectrum, and how to respond:

  • Has your client questioned whether or not their beliefs are the TRUTH? Or do they just assume what they believe IS the truth and operate from that assumption?

    Help your client explore alternative perspectives via the ‘as if’ question format:  Now I know this isn’t the truth, but WHAT IF the opposite were the actual case?  What new options might be there? Or how might you relate to things differently if you approached the situation with this alternative view?

  • Is it clear to you that they have thought about the validity of their belief and remain convinced that their belief is indeed the TRUTH.

    Help your client think a bit more deeply by gently offering counterexamples that challenge their conviction as a universal truth. Keep it light and in the form of a question:  What about the circumstance where (counterexample) happens? How do you imagine that can occur?

  • Some clients intellectually know that their beliefs are not true and that they limit them. BUT the beliefs still feel true in their bodies. This is confusing to most people and can evoke feelings of shame and a sense of failure and/or incompetence.

    Help your client understand this is a great place to be and that it is now possible to get rid of that feeling of truth in the body. Explain that the belief still feels like a truth in the body because of the amount of emotional charge attached to it.

    If you have permission from their system to clear out this belief because it limits them, you can proceed to an Energy Psychology tool or equivalent process. The objective is to choose a tool that will lower the emotional charge until the belief shifts from the felt sense of a truth back into simply a thought that they can act on or not.

There may be other categories of response to seemingly truthful beliefs as well.  But these three seem to be most prevalent.

BASIC NOTIONS ABOUT BELIEFS & TRUTH

There are some basic notions about beliefs and truth to explore with your10280412_s client when needed.

First, make sure your client can distinguish between a relative truth (one that has operating relevance in their personal life) versus an absolute truth (one that is true for everyone, or universally). Offering this distinction can open the door to greater possibilities, insights, and understandings.

For example, how they relate to pistachio ice cream (it’s the best to it sucks) offers a truth based on their own experience (bite of ice cream  + like or dislike flavor + generalization out to all pistachio flavored things + the same response will be there for all people who eat pistachio ice cream). Obviously, not everyone experiences pistachio ice cream with the same response. Thus their experience is relative.

Experiences that fall into universal truth would be rain is wet, oranges are round, breathing  is composed of an in-breath and an out-breath. These experiences are the same for all people.

Second, the introduction of this distinction creates awareness that the reason we form beliefs is because we can’t know the actual truth. When this is the case, we almost always will create a story or belief that helps us better navigate the unknown or unknowable. For example, beliefs about what happens after death, or deciding that Jane didn’t go out on a second date with Hal because he’s overweight.

Bringing conscious awareness to this distinction makes the freedom they’ve been seeking from the limitation/problem/challenge more available. And that is part of what brought them to see you in the first place, whether they consciously knew it or not.

Simply becoming aware that Belief IS NOT EQUAL To Truth can be incredibly freeing.

BELIEFS, TRUTH, AND POLARIZATION

Extreme polarization is increasingly common today.  And with it, comes increased stress8248999_s and anxiety. Why?

No fixed idea can become a permanent guide to happiness or peace of mind.  Things evolve, growth happens, and things change.

When our beliefs are fixed, we lose the ability to navigate our lives and the world effectively.

Without flexibility, we cannot navigate the continually shifting twists and turns of life. And as we’re seeing, this can result in extreme reactive behavior (anger, violence, war), or giving way to giving up  (sadness, despair, hopelessness, and helplessness).

Once your client knows intellectually that their belief is not THE truth and thus limiting them from accessing their full potential to respond, you’ve got a green light to go ahead and show your client how to drain that belief of all its power.

And be sure to remind them that they can direct their own process to re channel the released energy into a new form of expression that is of their own choice (curiosity, excitement, flexibility of viewpoint, etc).

Hope these tips have opened up a new door or two to better serving your clients with love and respect. The beauty of the journey is right there in the unfolding of their own unique process.

If you have any questions, or would like to know more, please give me a call at 425 462 4369.

Best to you,
Ragini

Photo: Copyright: <a href='http://www.123rf.com/profile_tashechka'>tashechka / 123RF Stock Photo</a>

Phobias And Energy Psychology

scream-cartoon-paintingDo you have clients who are stuck in moving forward in one area of their life, or many?  Do you have clients who get so nervous when they have to do something out of their comfort area?  Do you wish you could help them lighten their anxiety or embarrassment?  You can.  Just think phobias of shame and fear.

Many people grew up with a lot of criticism and shame, and have phobias they are totally unaware are actually running their lives.  Think of any block that a client has as a potential phobia, and you will see how helpful this approach will be for your work.

There are the usual phobias of spiders, small places, etc., and these can be addressed here.  But the phobias that are the most useful are the subtle ones that operate around failure, success, having a relationship, getting a new job, and being relaxed in social situations that are so helpful to your clients.

If you’re in the Seattle area, come have some fun with us as we:  Name that phobia… and release it with 3 basic tools from Energy Psychology.

Sponsored by WMHCA (Washington Mental Health Counselors Association). March 25,2016. 9 to 4:30. CEU’s Available. For more details and registration, CLICK HERE..

Do We Really Have Choice About What We Feel & Think? Or Don’t We?

Well, of course, we all have choice. But we may not always remember that it’s not as simple as it might seem. Choice is a popular theme these days. You’re told you have it. You’ve probably even told your clients they have it. But in reality, it’s a bit more complex; and when you’re involved in helping others (and yourself), it’s wise to honor that complexity.

You do have choice, but you don’t have real choice until you’re aware the choice you feel you’re making isn’t truly a choice at all. It’s just the result of a powerful unconscious conditioning


True choice is a higher level option. It requires more awareness than you think. But more importantly, and the point of this post, is that true choice requires the unconscious to actually give you a choice.

Having only one response to a situation, circumstance, or object is called a phobia. Add in the availability of a second response, and you’ve now placed yourself in a dilemma. But acquire a third option of response, and you finally have the freeing sense of a psychological choice – and that feels really good!

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